Now before we go any further, I really need to point out the fact that although I do not have children,and I somewhat identify with the Baroness in Chitty Chitty Bang Bang who was terrified of them...I would do anything in my power to help a child or protect a child or love a child in need.
But these little bas$&:ds? These children have run amok for the last three days...screeching, running, pushing, shoving, spitting, and vandalizing everything in sight. They are the most terrible little beasts I've ever seen.
And there's five of them.
The two oldest kids look to be about ten...the three little ones (WHO DON'T KNOW HOW TO SWIM BY THE WAY) seem to be between three and four.
I left a nice message for the office manager...kind of a "Gee. I know I'm new here, but it seems to me that it's dangerous for five little kids to be left alone at a swimming pool" but so far nothing has been done. I guess they were kind of hoping that school starting would take care of the problem.
Not so much.
So today, as I was on my way home from my last appointment, I started fretting about my afternoon pool visit. Maybe I'm crazy, but being there with these kids by myself has made me a nervous wreck, and despite the fact that the exercise I've been getting has literally changed my life...the aggravation of having to deal with getting spit on, jumped on, splashed, etc. was making me contemplate a nap instead.
But then a miracle happened.
I stopped at the Targets to pick up a prescription, and right there in front of me was the solution.
Lots and lots of sedatives.
And a bottle of gummy candy that I could slip them into and feed to the little buggers...
OH COME ON, PEOPLE! Do you honestly think I have the ability to be that devious or criminal or...smart?
No, what I bought instead was...
Lots and lots of books.
I bought a half cart full of children's books and brought them home and put them in my pool bag and then shoved myself into my old lady bathing suit and made the 104 steps to the pool.
Today there were seven UNSUPERVISED unruly obnoxious little children. When I got there, two chairs and a trash can had been thrown into the deep end and the pool cover looked like it wanted to run screaming from the premesis.
So I walked over to one of the two older kids (who I hoped was the leader) and said "Hi. My name is Ms. Spinster and I would like to do some exercising in the pool today. I brought all of you some presents, so if you'll help me clean up the pool and will give me fifteen minutes of it to myself, you can have the presents and keep them. Deal?"
This kid was no dummy...he wanted to know what the presents were before he negotiated a cease fire.
I don't know how, but I was smart enough not to cave. "Sorry kid. You either agree to my terms or I take my presents and go home."
He stood there for a minute and finally decided to go for it, so he hollered for all of his little minions to get the crap out of the pool, he pulled the little ones away from what ever they were doing to the cover, and then pretty much demanded payment.
I broke out into a panic attack and prayed. "Sweet mother of all that is holy, please let these kids like books and not decide to drown me in three feet of water."
Seven books. Seven tiny little asses sitting quiety on seven chairs, and I had an entire half hour of doing my manatee prancydancing and cloud peeping in peace and quiet. I swear...it's going to take a month of Sundays to wipe this grin off of my face.